A letter

Dear guy sitting next to us in Biology,
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time focusing right now. To be honest, so am I and I guess it could be for that reason that Julie and I are talking about her boyfriend’s testimony of Café Rio instead of listening to the lecture about the water cycle. I learned about this in elementary school. We sang a song. We should do that now. No, I’m not being fair to you and yes, I do feel guilty. But let me explain…
Okay, so the truth is, I am having a hard time caring at all about this class. I’m about to get a BA in Theatre Arts Studies. Is there a more useless degree? Perhaps. But don’t rain on my pity parade. (Yes, I realize having a degree in theatre is better than not having any degree at all. But, that’s not what I’m talking about.) To get this degree I’m sitting through lectures that consist mainly of tangents and vacation photos. I should be more interested in al of this. I mean, isn’t biology mentioned specifically in the Doctrine and Covenants? The fact is, though, that I see this class as a hoop to jump through. Everyone, in fact, sees this class as a hoop to jump through because those who are actually going into biology are required to take a more intense class, one where the water cycle, I imagine, is a given. (Why am I irritated by the simplistic nature of this curriculum? It means I’ll get an A in here. So, I retract those grievances. Keep cycling, water!)
So, guy sitting next to us, I can only speak for myself but I’m having a hard time connecting this class to anything in the real world. Funny, isn’t it? That in a class all about the living world I have a hard time applying it to my life. But that’s the sad truth, I’m afraid. The truth is I need this class to get a degree that, if things go my way, I have absolutely no need for. My bachelor’s is necessary for my contingency plan, I suppose, but I quite feasibly will never list my undergrad work on a single relevant resume for the rest of my life. When looked at in that context, it’s tough to get too involved in the ramblings of the sweet old man giving this lecture.
I’m glad Julie and I have a class together, not because it will in any way enhance my academic experience in this class. In fact, maybe the fact that she doesn’t come to class sometimes is the reason I did marginally well on the first midterm (86%). The reason I’m happy she’s here to experience this with me is that we seem to provide a veritable “Balm of Gilead” for one another to help deal with the day-to-day annoyances of attending BYU. (Yes, guy next to me, I know I should be grateful for the opportunity to attend BYU. Yes. And I am, truly. It does not, however, change the fact that after four years here I still have an enormously difficult time connecting to the prevailing culture at this fine institution. This is no secret. And I think it’s okay. I’ll donate to the university if I ever sell a screenplay.) It’s during biology that Julie and I unload and manage to laugh about the silly little miseries that make us grit our teeth and roll our eyes any other time. It’s important. For both of us, I think.
But, guy sitting next to us, biology lectures are neither the time nor the place for this activity. You have the right to take notes and get good grades on the remaining two tests and who am I to stand in your way? I’ve gleaned from this lecture about as much information as I would have if I had stayed in the HFAC. Because that’s what I need: more time in the HFAC.
So, thank you, guy sitting next to us. Thank you for reminding me that I have yet another thing I need to work on. I’ve found I spend much less time than most of my dear BYU friends dwelling on my own failings and imperfections. I know they’re there but I tend to believe that simply dwelling on the good things I should be doing is much more effective than thinking about the fact that I’m not doing them as well as I should be. I probably shouldn’t sacrifice biology, healthy sleeping habits, and future financial security because I feel confident in my future as a playwright. And it’s good to be reminded. Even if I resent you and your fashionable wedding ring and thoughtful questions about swamplands in Brazil. That resentment won’t last long. Let’s not lose our heads.
Take care, guy sitting next to us. Kiss your wife and study your copious notes. I won’t ask you to email them to me. I’ll ask someone else. It’s a big class.
Your classmate,
Matthew

PS: The professor said the following a few minutes ago and I thought it was poetic. (See, I’m listening!)
What have we done with the Garden of Eden?
We plowed it and planted corn.

Getting personal

I realize, of course, that no one wants to read a blog about how I wish I blogged more or explaining why I don’t. So, I won’t go into any of that. I’ll simply cite one excue I have and go from there.
I’m often surprised by the people who read this. Quite often I meet people who know more about me than I realize because they’ve read it on GreenePeace. Thus, I think I’m too careful about what I post. I omit names, gloss over details, or (most often) simply opt out of sharing anything that might be seen as too personal.
This may seem perfectly normal, but it puzzles me. The other night, a couple friends of mine and I were engaged in one of those late night conversations when secrets are divulged and everyone, for one reason or another, feels at ease sharing things hitherto unspoken. I often wish I had more secrets than I do, but I’ve found that I’m not one to shy away from sharing what little intrigue can be found in my sterile little world.
Why, then, am I so gun shy when it comes to blogging? In all honesty, it’s probably a petty excuse for not writing as often as I’d like to. And excuses are bad. That said, let’s proceed.

So, how am I these days? I think I’m doing alright. I really am immensely grateful for the blessings I have and realize how fortunate I am: I have a faith that renders the world in brighter colors than most people are able to see, I have family and friends whose love I can’t begin to doubt, I have more opportunities than I can handle to exercise and develop my talents, and I live in a comfort and a peace so constant that I find myself forgetting too often how well-off I am.

I’ve said before that I live my life in a perpetual state of frustration. This, however, doesn’t cheapen or discredit the wonderful things I’ve just listed. It means, though, that I am never satisfied. Hence the busy schedule, the perfectionism, the wild ambitions. This means, among other things, that I do not stop. Ever.
A friend of mine, upon hearing about the awesome opportunities afforded to me this semester, told me I’m a lucky guy. I know what he meant, but it was a little off-putting. I don’t like being described as “lucky.” “Blessed” is okay, but “lucky” implies the existence of some fortuitous lottery that I have somehow won. “Lucky,” in a way, discounts the Saturday nights spent at home writing, the sleep deprivation, and the countless hours a week spent in rehearsal. I am fortunate and I believe the stars aligned to a certain degree to afford me the favorable circumstances I needed to succeed as much as I have up to this point. That knowledge, however, only makes me work harder. From a romantic religious perspective, if Heavenly Father so stacked the deck for me to be able to succeed, I darn well better succeed. It means I have no time to spare, no time to waste. Whatever I’m doing now, however diligent or exemplary it may seem, is simply not enough. Nothing ever will be.
In the meantime, though, I’m happy. I like working hard, I like accomplishing things. I like the rare moments of “fun” mixed in, but I realize that if the rest of it weren’t enjoyable I’d have burned out long ago. This semester is going to be a busy one, but boy am I going to have a good time along the way.

I said last week, mostly in light of the onslaught of long to-do lists and frustration with the number of hours in the day, that I wasn’t going to date this semester. After all, my recent pursuits have fizzled out as a result of my busy schedule (and, in some cases, theirs) and, my friends assure me, a possible lack of interest. I find it difficult to fathom the possibility of finding enough time even for something casual. By the time it gets to Saturday night, my only “night off” of the week, I’m so tired that I don’t want to do anything but lie in bed, watch indulgent movies, and single-handedly eat a Little Caesar’s pizza.
Those who know me best, though, remind me that when I’m really interested in someone I manage to make the time necessary. I was in love once and it came at a time that probably couldn’t have been more inopportune. It was important enough, though, that I was willing to be creative and make necessary sacrifices (often of sleep) to ensure that there was sufficient time. Just thinking about that gives me confidence that I won’t become the zealous artist who is blinded to everything but his work. My work took a backseat once before and I’m sure it could happen again. It will just take a lot.
I like saying, “I was in love once.” It makes me feel worldly wise and reminds me of what might have been the happiest time in my life. (I can’t think of anything that tops it in recent memory, at least.) The whole experience left its mark on my life, quite a formidable mark at that. But that is the subject for another blog, one when I’m even less inhibited about sharing things.
On top of all that, I seem to have a tendency to gravitate toward really bad dating ideas. I’m smart enough to keep myself from indulging any of them, but still, it’s alarming.

Okay, that’s enough writing for now. Hopefully this will become more of a regular thing. But I won’t elaborate on that.

Seven confessions

-There are three books I pretend I’ve read but never finished.
-I do not floss. Ever.
-I don’t think I’m as smart as my GPA indicates.
-I speed. Always.
-Sometimes I don’t like foreign films. In fact, sometimes I crave really stupid movies. I usually don’t give in, however.
-I judge people by their shoes more often than I like to admit.
-Sometimes I daydream about being a professional athlete. Really.

Psych out

I’m sitting in my psychology class working on a “group presentation” with a couple of guys I’m sitting next to. One of them is trying to explain why he, in spite of his white skin, deserves a multicultural scholarship because he’s a seventh generation Californian and only three generations ago California had barely become a part of the United States. I stopped myself from trying to correct any one of the absurdities in his logic, realizing that I’ve done nothing but argue with what he has said since our discussion began. He has, in fact, been wrong about nearly everything he’s said in the last ten minutes but he’s talking in the “I’m smart” voice, which has fooled our third group member into believing that if white people have higher SAT scores than minorities, then the palest white people must be the smartest. Am I in college? I wonder sometimes.
Okay, I’m being too harsh. He’s mentioned his (pale) wife several times and I have to bear in mind that this guy got a woman to fall in love with him. There has got to be more than meets the eye. I’m sure if I gave him a chance I could come to understand him better. I like to think I’m getting better at looking past what is initially off-putting and assuming there is something I can’t see. The old Matthew would roll his eyes and make a mental note not to sit in this row again. (Isn’t it weird how people tend to always sit in the same spots in a classroom?) However, the new Matthew is not so dismissive. I hope.
I think the guy sitting next to me (the neutral member of the group) has been reading this over my shoulder. I should be nicer.

A week in the life...

I had the idea that maybe if I made blogging a weekly activity I would do it more faithfully. So, here's a quick summary of this last one.
The second week of classes went just swimmingly. (We should use that word more.) I actually have two tests during the coming week, but we won't think about that now. At the moment, I'm happy my English class is teaching me to be a grown-up and to read boring things. (Look, I'm sorry, Benjamin Franklin, but your autobiography is just too long.) I'm discovering some really interesting pieces of literature though. Well, not discovering since I suppose their inclusion in an anthology and on my syllabus makes their content anything but uncharted territory. Perhaps I'm just trying to make up for the years I've spent as a student avoiding reading substantial non-theatrical material. That must be it.
My psychology class is really interesting and I forgot how easy 100-level classes are. (Don't hate me, my young friends.) That means it's fun and interesting without being especially challenging. Which, sometimes, is quite nice.
What else, what else...I'm enjoying work. It seems that every time I work I discover more things that I don't know and I look forward to the day when I feel more comfortable with it all. It's something I really want to be good at so I'm willing to work for it. This job has me exploring career options that I'd never even considered before. Jake suggested the other day that he, Addi, and I each get a foster child to take care of and raise them in our student apartment. It was a funny proposition. (No, we're not going to do that.)
Other than that, I suppose there isn't much going on. I had a nice Independence Day yesterday. I went hiking with some friends and then another friend and I crashed a family barbecue in American Fork. It was fun being with a family, even if it wasn't mine. I tried to figure out why I don't see myself as particularly patriotic and I may have reached a conclusion. America as an entity doesn't mean a great deal to me. I love so many things about this country but I think I'd be just as happy living somewhere else where the same basic civil liberties were available to me. I appreciate and acknowledge the sacrifices made by those who made this country what it is but I see those stories more as chronicles of the strength of the human spirit than anything else. I admire William Wilberforce as much as George Washington but neither one for their citizenship in any particular nation. If that admiration makes me a patriot, great! If not, however, I might just have to accept that.
Anyway, that was weird. I finished off the week with a nice uplifting Sunday. Church was great today and this evening we had a little gathering at my place where cinnamon rolls were consumed and "Werewolves" was played. It was intense. I can't sleep, even though I have to be up in six hours. Yes, six. It's going to be a long week. I guess I'll go try again.

Shameless plug. For myself.

So, I have a new blog. It's devoted to playwriting (as is a big portion of my life, if you didn't know) so check it out!

http://mgplays.wordpress.com

This is all that I ask for:

(A record store. Matthew is browsing the used DVD’s. He looks frustrated. Girl approaches.)

GIRL
That’s a good one.

MATTHEW
Huh?

GIRL
“Annie Hall.” Isn’t that...
(Gets a closer look at the DVD case.)
Oh, “Annie.”
(Suppresses a laugh.)

MATTHEW
Yeah, I was just...

GIRL
No, no. By all means...

MATTHEW
Really, I was just looking to see when it was made.

GIRL
Uh huh.

MATTHEW
I wasn’t going to buy it.

GIRL
Because you already have it.

MATTHEW
Oh, come on.

GIRL
Or, let me guess, present for your girlfriend?

MATTHEW
If I had one of those, she wouldn’t be a fan of movies like this.

GIRL
Uh huh.

MATTHEW
You totally don’t believe me.

GIRL
No, I do.
(He gives her a look.)
Really, I do.

MATTHEW
(Handing her a DVD.)
Here’s “Annie Hall.” I mean, if you were looking for it.

GIRL
Oh, I wasn’t. I just...

MATTHEW
...couldn’t help noticing me noticing “Annie Hall?”

GIRL
Sorry, was that weird of me?

MATTHEW
No.

GIRL
Yeah, it was. And now you’re all embarrassed and denying your love of musicals...

MATTHEW
(Putting “Annie” back on the shelf.)
You’re not gonna let that go, are you?

GIRL
Really, I don’t usually...approach people like that.

MATTHEW
Well, for the record I love “Annie Hall.”

GIRL
Me too, I watched it when I was younger but I didn’t really get it. You know?

MATTHEW
Yeah, I was that way with “Ghostbusters.”

GIRL
You know I’ve never actually seen that whole movie?

MATTHEW
What?!

GIRL
I know!

MATTHEW
No way!

GIRL
It’s one of those that no one watches now because they’ve all seen it, you know? I think it’s on my Netflix queue.

MATTHEW
Yeah, I use that line. It’s alright, you know? You don’t have to watch it, I guess.

GIRL
Well, thank you.

MATTHEW
But you’re missing out. I actually just watched “Annie Hall” this afternoon.

GIRL
For the first time?

MATTHEW
Yep. I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately, got surgery last week.

GIRL
Oh really? What kind of surgery?

MATTHEW
(Beat.)
How about we change the subject?
(They laugh.)
Sorry, I don’t know why I brought that up.

GIRL
I don’t know why I asked. I don’t really need to know.

MATTHEW
You don’t want to know.
(Beat.)
So...

GIRL
(Looking at “Annie Hall.”)
You know what I love about this movie? That montage at the end, with Diane Keaton singing and, you know, all the cheesy moments from the movie.

MATTHEW
Yeah.

GIRL
I don’t know. And you remember all of that started with a game of tennis, and she gave him a ride, and it all went from there. It’s just interesting, you know, thinking you can find someone to...give yourself to. And it’ll be something so simple. I mean, in the movie...
(Beat.)
It’s a good one.

MATTHEW
Yeah...What’s your name?

GIRL
Jordan. And...

MATTHEW
Matthew.

JORDAN
Nice to meet you. Uh, yeah. I recommend that one.
(Starts to move off.)

MATTHEW
Anything else?

JORDAN
(Turning back.)
What?

MATTHEW
I mean, other recommendations?
(She gives him a perplexed look.)
Sorry, just...

JORDAN
Well, I looked through most of these used ones. Not much here.

MATTHEW
Yeah the buy two get one free thing presumes we can find three we want to take home.

JORDAN
Exactly.

MATTHEW
I actually did a couple times.

JORDAN
Me too.

MATTHEW
We must have snatched up anything worth buying.

JORDAN
Right.

MATTHEW
I mean...
(Looking at the DVD’s.)
“The Love Guru.” Really?

JORDAN
And the, what, seventh “American Pie” movie? How many of these do we need?

MATTHEW
It’s for a generation raised on “Land Before Time.”

JORDAN
(Laughs.)
Right.

MATTHEW
Yeah, this was a bust, I think.

JORDAN
Better luck next time.

MATTHEW
Hey, uh...This is kind of...But, what are you doing tonight?

JORDAN
It’s 9:45.
(Beat.)
Nothing so far.

MATTHEW
I mean, I could get your number and call you up, ask you out, and we could have a great time. But, what about now?

JORDAN
I’m intrigued. You didn’t have any plans tonight?

MATTHEW
Well, I was going to eat a pizza by myself, watch “Citizen Kane,” and probably write a blog about our society’s abysmal taste in movies.

JORDAN
Sounds like fun.

MATTHEW
Actually, I’d probably think about writing a blog but I’d just end up falling asleep watching “How I Met Your Mother” episodes from a sketchy Japanese website.

JORDAN
Side Reel?

MATTHEW
Wow, how embarrassing that you know that.

JORDAN
So, what did you have in mind?

MATTHEW
Uh, I...My plan really only got as far as “Wanna go out.” Do you like food?

JORDAN
I love it. I had dinner a couple hours ago, but...

MATTHEW
How about we split an app sampler at Applebees?

JORDAN
Ooh, that sounds great. Do you like the mozzarella sticks?

MATTHEW
They’re all yours.

JORDAN
Hmmm, maybe we could sub more buffalo wings.

MATTHEW
That’s what I like to hear.

JORDAN
Then what?

MATTHEW
Ummm...

JORDAN
See where the evening takes us?

MATTHEW
(Laughs.)
Wow, I’ve never tried that.

JORDAN
Neither have I.

MATTHEW
Sounds great.
(They walk together out of the store.)
Funny story, I was there with my buddy the other day and he thought our waitress was cute, but he was afraid she saw him checking out this other waitress...
(They exit.)